; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
