i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize