We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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