smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize