I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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