She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
