If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
50% drunk capacity currently
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
