so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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