2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
