You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
