She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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