3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
