8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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