I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
