Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize