a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
