I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
