just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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