I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
