Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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