I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
