i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
