I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
