nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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