After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
