i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
