My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
