i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
