I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
