My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
