What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
