Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
