Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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