There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Operation Purity has been aborted
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
