i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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