i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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