i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
that may or may not have been my penis.
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