I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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