I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
