look no pants
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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