I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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