she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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