I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
