Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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