remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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