i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
