billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
