My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
