why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
