Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i will never coherently bang her
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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