Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
