hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I smell stomach acid.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
