The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
