I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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