saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
