i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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