I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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