I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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